Fitness – Abacus Fitness and Money

Why run an ultra-marathon at all?

It’s 2020. The world has been rocked with news headlines that are powerfully shocking and depressing. But we are still weak people! Myself included!

By and large the vast majority of us continue to make excuses for our bad behavior and lack of discipline. We make concessions toward those old weathered habits to ensure their survival. “Oh, that old guy? He’s been around for decades! Can’t throw him out now! He’s basically in a tenured position by now!” This is relatively non-specific. It’s not just about eating habits, exercise routines, money wasting, refusing to learn new things, reluctance to accept greater responsibility, discipline to ignore our electronic screens, or anything else commonly spoken about. It’s also about spiritually shutting down, committing our lives to comfort, refusing to be challenged, and protecting our old opinions like newborn babies!

Hear me when I say this: I am right there along with you, us, we, everyone. Somehow what spurred on this line of thinking was exiting the bathroom. I have grown to be relatively comfortable using public bathrooms now that I’m in my mid-30’s. As I was leaving the stall, I remembered a comedian saying something about how he only poops at home and immediately follows it up with a shower. This is not a criticism of people who struggle with disorders that interrupt normal living. This was a realization that I was patting myself on the back for being able to use a bathroom without much stress! Really, is this the kind of thing that counts as praiseworthy?

Photo by Yaroslav Danylchenko on Pexels.com

While running the risk of glorifying the past along with all it’s inherent issues and mistakes along with war itself, the generations before us that banded together to survive during back to back World Wars really have things we could learn from. Does my comfort in using the potty really matter? No! I need to get onto bigger and more significant priorities! These people banded together to survive on whatever food they could scratch together during severe rationing, worked tirelessly to support their country’s efforts at often new and challenging jobs, survived regular LITERAL bombings, and pushed through to the other side. This isn’t about romanticizing any of that hardship or ignoring its accompanying and inevitable psychological/relational/emotional ramifications, it’s just about calling out what people are actually capable of. While I’m pulling up my self-congratulation pants there are people who really are creatively finding ways to survive and thrive.

We are capable of so much more.

And this is why I want to run an ultra. It’s why I want to grow at all, in virtually any way. Because to do otherwise is to waste this grand opportunity called life. To do otherwise is to sink into the proverbial couch, grab the remote or phone or whatever, and waste hours upon hours turning into a flabby stunted blob of misappropriated attention.

Do I want to look back in 10 years and tally up all the hours I spent scrolling Instagram? What about all the videos I watched on YouTube? Will they add significant value to my life, my family’s life, or the people near us? Streaming services on TV? Shopping online? Daydreaming about what it would be like to have more money? I would wager that less than 5% of these time vacuums are actually valuable.

Being more selective about how time is invested is the most valuable change we can make in our daily living. This is why an ultra checks off the necessary boxes. First of all, it requires a lot of training. It’s mostly training. And the inherent nature of that training is something I expect to pay big dividends. Training requires….or at least requests certain things that are intrinsically worthwhile. Things like eating healthier foods, getting adequate sleep, stretching out before and after runs, scheduling times in advance to make sure runs happen, core and mobility exercises to be able to run longer distances, spending significant time away from screens, getting outside, and more!

Then there is of course the running itself. The running plan I’ve developed based on my limited experience and a lot of online reading averages 3-4 runs per week. Just forcing that kind of time and effort in the form of workouts of any kind into my schedule will be an accomplishment! Running is not an easy thing and it will be especially difficult next summer when things heat up here in Arizona. In July and August there will be some weeks with over 30 miles of running planned! If you have run as little as I have in life thus far, shoehorning in 30+ miles into 7 small days is a huge challenge. The running itself will also hopefully have a positive effect on my body. If recovery is done well, sleep is adequate, and injuries are avoided, there is a chance I will be in the best physical shape and condition since high school!

Do you notice what I notice in this big chunk of worthwhile time-usage? Where are the screens? Somehow missing from this plan. Where are the excuses? There really is little time for weak excuses. Where are the hours that somehow waft away in the winds of wasted wandering? They are spent preparing for and executing the planned miles! The plan itself is to be DOING in those spaces where before I was sedentarily waiting. Waiting for my life to become what I want it to be. Waiting for “me” to become someone better, stronger, more loving, more patient, more in touch with God. But waiting is not shaping us to be any of those good things, generally. Yes for a time waiting can grow us, but when we refuse to take action and face a big hairy ugly challenge eye-to-eye, we may be stuck waiting forever.

I need to struggle. To listen to the little voice in my head grow louder and louder. I expect it to be saying “WE NEED TO STOP. WE NEED TO RELAX. WE NEED TO EAT THAT BAG OF SOUR GUMMY WORMS AND WATCH SOME YOUTUBE MAN!” I need to develop the strength to choose to do what is right and fore-planned. This is where I fail most often. And perhaps a lot of us fail here. We develop the plan, the goal, the desire, the dream. We feel a burst of motivation. Then we set out to accomplish the goal. Accepting the eye-to-eye confrontation with the big hairy monster a handful of times. Then in our weakness fail to choose what is right. The plan we developed was actually quite vague, impractical, limited, and incomplete, but our motivation was even less impressive. I need to read that again so I will type it again, “I need to develop the strength to choose to do what is right and fore-planned.”

The underlying habit that lives beneath all my literal plans and circumstances and conscious choices is this: in the moment, I choose what feels most enticing. And that is what needs to die. This “lower self” of impulse, comfort, indulgence, and gluttony is like a rip-current that sweeps away even my best laid plans. It is STRONG. That’s what happens to our habits when they are allowed to stick around for decades. With every repetition of the habit, the foundation of it grows stronger. And stronger. Until 20 or 30 or 50 years have passed and we are living with a kind of subversive tidal wave of force that threatens anything that goes against it’s nature. Call it coping or habit or weakness or any other term. It is dangerous. It threatens our well being and the healthy and happiness of those around us.

“Do not act as if you were going to live ten thousand years. Death hangs over you. While you live, while it is in your power, be good.”
Marcus Aurelius

The time has come for the water to be stilled and for my “higher self” to take over as the controlling force. It would be convenient if this was as simple as “mustering up the courage and willpower”, putting on those running shoes, and smashing out the miles week by week. Ah haaaa! Triumph! But this is a much deeper dance than the surface level actions. Remember, a rip-current is often invisible. It needs no outward markers to reinforce it’s existence or efficacy. In fact, the nature of being under the surface, hidden, difficult to acknowledge or spot, makes it live that much longer! It’s sort of like a pandemic. If a virus is incredibly infectious AND deadly, it actually has as lesser chance to spread like wildfire. It’s hosts die and don’t have as much chance to spread around the infection. So those viruses that are the most effective overall have much more muted, slow, and subtle impacts. They catch a long ride this way, are spread more, and thus have a better chance to dominate more completely. Their subtle nature compounds the likelihood of their survival rate. It’s the same story with our indulgent lower self.

In contrast to my last 3+ decades, I want to develop the part of my brain, my heart, and my whole self that identifies what is good and right and worthwhile and reaches out to take a hold of it despite the discomfort, unpleasantness, or challenge. To put down the literal and figurative distractions and look into my daughters eyes with a full heart and an undivided mind. To get home from work and choose yard work instead of Youtube. To start a delicious dinner for my wife instead of snacking on chocolate and sinking into the couch. To view an obstacle as an opportunity.

And can I be certain that this kind of physical activity will drive the deep and meaningful results into existence? No. Absolutely not. Especially because I’ve never done this before. I have no idea what the results will be. But I know that to continue to coddle my lower self and it’s gluttonous ways is certain to lead me down this path that I no longer want to be on. In fact, fear of that path is actually quite a strong motivator in this process. Yes, most of the motivation is oriented in positive hopes for the future and for the effects of being present, intentional, vulnerable, and focused. But the rest of the motivation is in the fear of the alternative. Staying on this road leads nowhere good. The kind of person that clings fast to their indulgences is not someone you want to live with for the rest of your life. That kind of person makes for a bad father, a terrible spouse, a lousy neighbor, a flaky friend, and an ineffective coworker. It feels like poison. The fear of that future regret drives me to become someone entirely different than that.

Dead people receive more flowers than the living ones because regret is stronger than gratitude.
Anne Frank

We have limited time here to act. Choosing to act primarily in ways that only serve to support our own weaknesses and comfort will pollute and destroy the potential for truly good, life-giving opportunities. Instead we must dive headlong into the difficult challenges, viewing them as chances to do what is right, noble, and good! Even writing that feels silly and phony and like something a Disney prince might read in a history book. But that doesn’t have to be a fairy tale. We really can choose to stop making excuses for our bad behavior, stop reinforcing and rewarding things that are petty and weak, and instead hold a higher standard of what is worthwhile.

So, let’s move forward and challenge each other to do things that are worthwhile. Let’s ask each other how and where we are being challenged to grow instead of what shows we are watching and how we are going to blow the next paycheck on some new toy. Lets think creatively and openly about how we spend our time. Will this action today lead me to the challenges and the growth or away from them?

Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good deeds.
Hebrews 10:24

Running an Ultra-marathon despite the wisdom to do otherwise

Who in the world wants to run an ultramarathon?

How could I ever DO that? How are there more and more people doing that these days? Are they crazy?

I’m not sure if the idea of running 30 or 50 or 100 miles in a single day is incredibly appealing and interesting or just as long and slow and terrible as it seems…but somehow it keeps drawing me back in. As if there is some kind of invisible string that is attached to my gut and keeps tugging me back closer to the dream of running not just farther than I’ve ever gone, but MUCH farther.

But as people, we learn from past experience. It is in fact the only way we know how to see things. We compare what we have seen and heard to what the current and future situation is looking like and draw a kind of dotted line across the page to attempt to predict an outcome. My past experience with running a very long distance has been objectively unsuccessful!

Past long distance experience #1: Running from Rim-to Rim in the Grand Canyon in 2019. Distance: approximately 25 miles. Time: 9+ hours. Even with what I felt was substantial training, this run turned out to be an immense struggle. Running the first 10 miles or so went quite smoothly and in the Grand Canyon, they are almost all downhill. You are, after all, plunging into one of the World’s Natural Wonders. It’s a very very deep hole. But on the way out I was slowed to the point of taking breaks more often than actually moving forward. Crushed by dehydration and apparent lack of training, it took as long to meander up the last couple miles of trail as it did to run the first 10. Did I think we would be stuck there, need medical attention, or die? No, never. Not seriously anyway. But it was fairly bleak as emotional experiences go. I definitely was doubtful that opting into the mess we were in was a good idea in the first place.

Past long distance experience #2: Pacing my friend in the last 20 miles of his 50-Mile ultra-marathon. When you pay to run a race, you’re paying for help along the way, a set route, camaraderie and competition, and a feeling of accomplishment. But when the race is an ultra distance, sometimes you need extra help. So race organizers often allow “Pacers” to join the runners to join them for a portion of the race for moral support and a helping hand. This often can be physical help in the form of carrying food and water as well as helping people stay on track literally and figuratively. It almost always is emotional support as well. Runners are likely fatigued and a bit of an emotional wreck, so having someone who is not yet exhausted there with you can be a big help.

My friend had already completed an ultra-marathon on the day I joined him. Finishing 30 miles is a great accomplishment. But he had signed up for the 50 Mile distance. So he was barely 60% done. At least via distance. He was probably only 35% done in totality. We left the start/finish line together and he was skeptical that he could finish the next 20 miles at all, let alone finish them fast enough to reach critical checkpoints along the trail quickly enough to not get disqualified. For me, this was an exciting opportunity and one I had trained for. We were GOING TO FINISH. But the kind of encouraging someone needs to finish something that is, in reality, completely optional and non-essential, that is also causing them tremendous discomfort is a tricky sort. You have to be optimistic but realistic. Firm but empathetic. Realistic but also aware of the likelihood for failure.

We just moved with a kind of stubborn and slow simmering intensity. We made it in and out of the first checkpoint with seconds to spare. But the team of volunteers there was so incredible and encouraging that we ran toward the upcoming peak with an unexpected level of support and hope. The climb took a long time but we simmered up then down it’s back. Running when we could and walking when we couldn’t. I think being focused solely on time and on my friend accomplishing his goal kept me out of my own head enough to be a helpful distraction. I was fine, everything was fine, how are “WE” doing? Are we going to make it to the next cutoff? Are we feeling dehydrated? We apparently felt just good enough to keep going.

After sunset we slowly galloped along like old donkeys down the trails, illuminated by our headlamps and the stars. Somehow there were 2 runners behind us that had also made it through the cutoffs and were visible only by glowing little dots of light. Their own headlamps. They were chasing us….and gaining! Despite our focus being condensed on ourselves, our bodies, our scraping by each checkpoint just attempting to finish before we got disqualified, somehow those little bounding dots of light rekindled one fact we had completely ignored: we were still in a race! We couldn’t let that little dot up on the last ridge catch us!

Renewed with a silly and competitive vigor, we ran more often! (This is a big move at the end of an ultra-marathon, ha!) Thankfully the end of this long run was downhill (unlike clawing your way out of the Grand Canyon like some kind of lowly swamp creature emerging from a bog!). We flowed down the winding switchbacks like baby giraffes learning to walk. Despite having run many many less miles than my friend that day, I assured him he was probably still more capable than me and had more left in the tank that was untapped. We pushed to just continue running for the last 2.5 miles, waiting to hear the music and see the lights that would signal our approaching the finish line. Finally after what felt like hours, we saw it. And we made it! We finished before the cutoff time and were somehow shocked that it had happened despite being the participants.

The whole experience felt very different than the Grand Canyon, and better. But it was still “only” 20 miles, many of which were spent walking.

So….

That’s it. Those are the 2 and only truly long runs I’ve done. Hardly a resume for an ultra. But there is something unique in both of those experiences and in the ultras I hear about from videos online, from books, and from other people. An ultra is a wild combination and confluence of events and emotions, every time it’s run. It feels (apparently) like an oddly meditative time and like a blank space filled with nothing but doubt and discomfort. It feels like a purge and like a consuming fire. It feels like an adventure and a chore. All simultaneously.

And somehow, despite the lack of logical appeal, those paradoxes and others are just SO DARN APPEALING. I WANT to see the trail winding up and around a mountain like an intricate piece of jewelry on someone’s neck. I want to experience the view from peak after peak. I want to feel the rush and the thrill of pouncing on a downhill in a state of flow. I even want to suffer and doubt and feel something inside me say over and over again that there is no way this is doable or wise and that we should stop as soon as possible…then defy it over and over.

Is there potential for glory or acclaim or reward in some form? Highly doubtful. Some people may want to read posts like this or watch a video or two documenting the progress or results, but that’s not ample reason to train and suffer through the next year to get in shape for a 50k. It has to be done for a deeper reason. Reasons tied to pursuing those illogically appealing traits and journeys described before. It has to be something I would do anyway, even and especially if there was no one there to notice. The experience of it is it’s own reward. The tribulation to get there in the first place in any kind of shape to complete such a thing is the vast majority of the reason to choose the goal in the first place. I trust the race will just be the period at the end of the sentence. Important, final, but just a dot.

So it is with great hesitancy and trepidation that I post this, claiming I want to run an ultra-marathon. Claiming I will run one before I die. And claiming that it likely should happen in the next 67 weeks. It will only get harder as time passes. As they say, “The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is today.”

“The reasons we do things are more important than the things we do”.

You are not your exercise routine.

Crossfitter.

Gymnast.

Yogi.

Powerlifter.

Gym rat.

Cyclist.

Hiker.

Bodybuilder.

Kickboxer.

Dancer.

Rock climber.

Titles we inevitably work very hard to earn. To legitimize. This is no easy badge to wear. We likely have invested hundreds of hours in our activity of choice to become known as and feel worthy of a title like these. We have achieved a level of mastery above many of our peers or coworkers. We have seen results in our bodies and minds and now trust that the activity is a worthwhile expenditure of our limited resources.

It’s probable you have begun to self-identify as one of the names above. However, the best form of a fitnessy-label comes from the outside. Someone else calls you a Yogi, so you must be one. It’s THAT evident. Or you spend 2 hours per day in a dark weight room, lifting as heavy as you can, wearing your hoodie and taking swigs of the latest fizzy pre-workout beverage. Someone at work happens to notice your arms seem bigger than before and, “You must work out” is given as the justification for the change. Boom. Verified weightlifter/bodybuilder. Everyone can see the product of your labor right in front of them, bulging out from under those puny sleeves, helpless against the power of your blooming new triceps.

But the final confirmation is the sweetest. This is when a member of the elite labels you as one of their own. The woman with the most poise and grace in the whole class calls you a great dancer. The climber who flashes 5.13’s comments that your beta is infallible. The coach says your improvement with thrusters is the best he’s seen all year from anyone and maybe you should help bring beginners up to speed. Someone with the power to induct you into the marbled halls of the elite has claimed you belong.

Like a variation of ancient coming-of-age traditions, you’ve made it. You killed the lion, drank the cow’s blood, wore the gloves full of bullet ants, and are given this identity.

Accept it with caution.

Yes, you have focused your efforts and resources. Yes, you have realized results. Yes, you have been recognized by a community as a valid participant. But are these positives? These are not objectively negative things. However, assuming an identity based on them is something to handle with great caution. The problem I have with weaving your identity into the activity you enjoy is that it’s a petty representation of who you are. As a person, you are a citizen, a family member, an employee (possibly an employer), a friend, a human. Your depth and beauty and power are vast. Almost incomprehensible.

If your identity is decided by your actions, your worth is measured by your results.

Read that again, and slow down. “If your identity is decided by your actions, your worth is measured by your results.” This is not a system you want to be held to. We have the option of allowing these kinds of social structures to dominate us, or we can reject them. Yes, this is actually an extremely common form of worth-measuring in Western cultures. Your results speak for themselves and justify whatever your actions are. In a nutshell, winning dictates truth.

If you get great results from your fitness activity and that’s palpable to the people in your circle of influence, it must be right/worthwhile/good/true. But what happens when your results aren’t quite as good? When you get an injury or have to take time off? Who are you? The indicators are gone. The old gym swag you wore is out of fashion and now makes you stand out in the wrong way. Your kipping pull-ups look more like a fish out of water than an athlete setting a new PR. The people you used to do the activity with have moved away or now go to that new hip facility you don’t even know about. Where is your identity now?

Okay, okay, maybe this is blown out of proportion for many if not most people who exercise. You may not feel like your identity is indeed dictated by your healthy activities and community associated with them. However, the above rule reigns in more than just the fitness kingdom. It is alive and well in virtually every career setting. Let’s make a quick modification to apply to your career success: If your identity is decided by your actions as a professional, your worth is measured by your professional results. “You’re only as good as your last project.” “The proof is in the numbers.” The career world is results-based and has plenty of phrases to summarize that. As it should be. However, your worth, your value, your intrinsic ability to be known and loved and accepted is not results-based. Succumbing to the rule that you are only worth what you can produce is limiting who you are and what you are capable of. You are not a machine designed to meet output projections. At work or in a gym.

Know that whatever you choose to do, however, you leverage your limited resources, you are not the sum of the results you realize. Your life is not one large return on investment calculation. Be the best yogi, crossfitter, dancer, climber, manager, accountant, nurse practitioner, or retail clerk you can be all the while knowing that any label is just representing something you do, it’s not even close to describing who you are.

Be realistic, but don’t settle

In the pursuit of any goal, you have to be tenacious to expect progress. Fitness, health, lifestyle changes are all no different. Except where they are.

Chances are good that we all have made more unhealthy choices than healthy ones. We grew up scavenging for candy like starving vultures. Circling the candy dishes, sneaking an extra piece or two and rushing off to devour our most recent kill. We likely begged the adults in our lives to allow us another scoop of ice cream, a milkshake with lunch, a handful of their french fries, or a super mega size sugary fountain drink.

We continue into adulthood with the inclinations intact. We tell ourselves things like, “Gosh, work was tiring this week. Maybe I’ll just indulge a little, not exercise yet, and make some yummy cookies!” We are fully grown people dang-it. We can do whatever we want. If that means eating a bowl of cookie dough while finishing the last 8 episodes of that show we sort of like but can’t stop watching, that’s what we are going to do. Period. You can’t stop me.

So if and when the point comes when we need to decide to turn our health in a positive direction, we have to battle these old ways. To battle anything, you must be fierce. You must not surrender. You must win!

Right?

Maaaaybe not. In my experience, with health-motivated actions anyway, this can actually be a great formula for failure, burnout, and resentment. The problem is we are but human. We DO get tired. We DO get busy with that home renovation project, that big work assignment, those sick kids, etc… And that interrupts our well-crafted plans to become fitness ninjas. So what do we have left as a course of action? Forget all about our plans? Forget all about our other life obligations and be muscly yoga hermits? Neither.

I suggest you have clear, achievable effort-based goals and/or attendance goals that are not easily shaken by other life events. Stating that you will do some kind of Pilates twice a week and cardio once a week is not as sexy sounding as “becoming a size 2” or “having a ripped six pack”. But there is a major difference between the 2 goals. One is based on factors you can control and the other is not. You can decide to participate in an activity which makes a positive impact on your health. You cannot force your stomach to become a particular geometric shape, especially one that looks like an ice cube tray.

Think about that for a minute.

Can you BY SHEER FORCE OF WILL tone your butt? No. You can’t. You can put in the work that “should” make that happen, but in the end, you cannot force results.

In a significant way, we are like farmers. Our bodies are the soil and our efforts are seeds. Our only true course of action is to exert effort in the way we best know how and wait for results. Plant those squats, water with lean protein and rest, and hope a booty will grow.

Don’t settle for lack of activity, for unhealthy diet habits, for a slothful life. Also, don’t settle for an all–or–nothing mentality. Both will fail you. Instead, realize that you will need to adjust your efforts to conform to the other circumstances in your life. Make it to the gym 3 times this week even if you only run on the treadmill for 9 minutes each time. You made it. Then next week when things aren’t on fire, get back to work on your regular routine. You will net the most results over the long haul by showing up and doing something. So do it.